By Joshua Wiebelhaus – Family car trips are the worst. Whoever thought up the idea of car trips with your family, was the type of person we should screen at airports because they create more terror in the hearts of children across America than the possibility of a highjacking.
A simple formula can be used to calculate the insanity of car trips. Length of trip times proximity to family divided by the square root of insanity = disaster. When I’m done you will understand why for your sanity we should never ever leave your home and get into a car with your family.
The Length of time of the car trip has a deciding effect on people’s mood. For instance, I find out on the day we’re leaving and respond calmly with, oh God why did it have to be me! We wake up early with the plan are going to leave at exactly 12:00 and are ready to leave way beyond that time, except someone isn’t ready and so we actually leave at 1:30 and their whole day is pretty much shot now.
People, as a rule, generally handle the first part of the trip well until after they stop to use the bathroom because then twenty minutes later somebody reveals they have a weak bladder and can’t hold it in till lunch so they have to stop again, unless they decide to use the window and… feel the breeze or use the bathroom without using the bathroom, you get the point I’ll stop now.
There is nothing to do this entire time except play slugbug until all of us are fighting because it “looked like a Volkswagen.” They can play the license plate game which will bore you out of your mind or they can play parents favorite the quiet statue game! Which lasts ten seconds. Or like my particularly unusual circumstance you could be pulled over while in Boston for matching the profile of member of the mafia; I am tired of being stereotyped based on how I look.
The more time you spend in the car then the more things start to irritate you and the longer you’re in there any way out of that car becomes a good way, even jumping out into a river. I guess you could say car trips drive me up the wall. After all this at the end of your trip with all the other factors your life is a car wreck, literally. I’m on the highway to hell and all my family will be there too.
Location, Location, Location. This isn’t just for real estate. People’s insanity escalates depending on who they’re sitting by. For some reason people will always end up sitting next to the person who annoys them the most and the two will fight it out for the rest of the trip slapping and punching each other. Or if they are super lucky their annoying sibling gets to sit behind them and kick the back of their seat and hit them in head for the rest of the trip. I know this first hand. On the way to the Sandhills everyone thought it would be a great idea for me to sit next to my cousin who I don’t get along with and then they had the nerve to complain that we wouldn’t stop fighting.
The location of how much luggage a person has on them is also a major factor. If they sit in the back, usually the boys of the family then the sisters of the family will pile all the luggage on them, as punishment for being male. The Location of where they sit, hopefully by a window, will help because there’s nothing worse than being between two people who know what annoys you better than you do; plus if worse comes to worst, you might be able to squeeze out that window and escape. If one of your siblings does try to jump out the window you’ll be expected to try to save them, however if you’re careful you can give them a quick shove; that’s what I’ve been trying to do to my siblings for years.
People at this point are now world class jerks. The parents at this time, oblivious to their children’s suffering, think this is a perfect time for some “family bonding.” The children think this is a perfect time for some “siblicide.” They awkwardly talk to your siblings and parents resisting the urge to kill them or sell their soul in exchange for their freedom. The Devil’s Advocate.org reported that 90% of children sell their soul before their 15 birthday after being driven to madness. I can remember my brother Dan going insane and lunging like a jungle cat for the wheel yanking us across six lanes of oncoming traffic whose drivers gave us a gesture to let my family know that we were number one in their life, or at least that’s what my mother calls it. People at this time have developed a major headache and the slightest sound drives them wild of course making this the perfect time to play the song Achy Breaky Heart or any other catchy song over, and over, and over, and over and over and sing along while they’re at it. They are at the brink of becoming psychopathic.
So to end this stress relieving venting on the self inflicted terrorism. This atrocity of mankind. Today we have covered the Length, the Location and the Lunatics. You have learned that the longer you stay in the car the worse it gets. You have learned that it will be bad no matter where you sit and you’ve learned that all this makes you into a jerk.
The solution to this is simple: hide in your house, don’t talk to people don’t make eye contact just stay in your little shell where it’s safe.